Love in Any Species

Photo: CNImaging/Photoshot

 

Photo: EPA/ALEXANDER RUESCHE/ Landov

 

Photo: Helen J. Arnold

Snippet from Kirk Franklin‘s song – Love

Love a word that comes and goes – but few people really know
What it really means to love somebody
Love though the tears may fade away – I’m so glad your love will stay

 

We all want to be loved. Whether it’s by the father that left your mother when we were a child, or the mother that left you at the hospital forcing us to go through the rigors of foster care or by your significant other. Oprah says that we need validation. It’s the same thing.

Validate me my long lost father with your love.

Validate me mother with your love even though you left me at the hospital due to whatever circumstance.

Validate me my partner because you know me for who I really am.

LOVE is really about accepting someone into your life. When you accept someone in your life, you accept their differences, their quirks, their idiosyncrasies. You accept that they sometimes forget to put down the toilet seat. You accept that they have a disorder. You accept that they are who they are.

You should never try to change the person that you are in love with. The reason for changing them is egocentric. Those little idiosyncrasies are what you will miss the most when that person isn’t around.

What are your thoughts on love?

22 thoughts on “Love in Any Species

  1. Love is…..
    Everything and nothing
    Poetry and Prose
    The music of the heart
    The knower of the soul
    A soft place to fall
    Compass, journey, destination and anchor
    the stillest calm
    and fiercest storm
    The darkest night
    And the brightest morn.
    Knows all,
    is all,
    begins
    and
    ends all

    Wonderful Post….🙂 Peace

      • no…but thank you! I wish I knew how I did it…but i thought a lot about your post even later …I was thinking about the change part…I have really had only one truly deeply loving relationship in my whole life – I am talking romantic love here – and it was later in my life as in just recently. I make jokes and I act nonchalant because i dont ever want to show how deeply hurt I am. The validity of our connection and love for each other although seemingly not what I thought because of the outcome, seemingly to others because there are so many things that if I told the story…would just be so hard to not sound like I was making excuses…it matters not because I know, he knows and I am gettng a little off here…….changing someone else…I have been abused and I think that it is becasue of my accepting nature that men who are abusers are drawn to me…but something I realized is that while I did not try to change soneone, I was not happy with certain things and before, in my past lives I think I was not brave enough to tell my partner that I didnt like sonething they did and for good reason sometines….with my last love- UI knew a difference of ….loving the person who they are without condition or exception…and for awhile he did nothing to change me but towards the end, he did and it was my feeling that he (he was in a downward spiral) began to try and change me because he was not happy with himself. I think if we are not happy with ourselves , who we are , we can not truly love anyone – not completely anyways….how cliche but it would seem if one finds that they are always desiring the person they are with changes anything( short of leaving the toilet seat up night – THAT requires changing!in the day fine but at night – compromise🙂 ) that maybe they should look in to themselves to see what they are dissatisfied with first. I dunno. could be that i am way off but if I am with someone that is always trying to change me than he needs to find whoever it is like that or figure out what about himself he is unhappy with. 🙂

      • Before we can love anyone we first have to love ourselves first. Before we can understand anyone, we must first understand ourselves. We can learn a lot about people if we really understand ourselves. It is hard work because we are complicated beings. When a person doesn’t understand himself/herself, then they find a lot of faults in others. What I would have loved for you to do Lizzie is tell him to resolve his issues first before coming to you with it.🙂

    • Wow that says it all, Lizzie! Beautiful. There are really, good, thoughtful comments here. I guess I’ll put my two cents worth in. I think that we are all human and as such we all have our failings. Sometimes we need to change. To correct our path, to improve our outlook on life and on the way we relate in the world. But you can never change anyone’s basic personality even if you wanted to and even if they wanted you to. I believe you are what you are. It all boils down to how you manage the good and bad in yourself. Do you desire to be the best you can be in this life? That’s all that’s required of anyone. That desire will make your life successful because you will have tried. And through trying you will have learned. I think when I really started making progress was when I realized that it all began with myself. My attitude. My willingness to understand. My willingness to accept that everything, every obstacle and every challenge is put there for my benefit. For me to take advantage of the lesson and for me to discover who I really am. The more OK you are with yourself, you find that the more everything else in your life falls into place.

      • Well said Linda. Changing your emotions will change your life. What’s the first step. It is understanding that it all starts with us. Not anyone else, but us. We make our destiny. We bring energies (good and bad) in our lives.

  2. Ya know, what really defines a person is one’s ability and capacity to love and be loved – and to be unafraid, even in the face of love’s adversity. I remember either hearing or reading about what Oprah said about validation and I think she’s wrong and more so if you believe you need someone to validate you when, really, it’s up to you to establish yourself as the person you are and your self-validation depends on what I said in the very first sentence… and no one can validate this for you.

    Oprah’s wrong because it presumes or assumes that in love, you always have to prove yourself worthy and/or deserving of it and that’s kinda self-defeating because your validation in this is dependent upon someone else who doesn’t think or feel the same way that you do in this; let me know how this works for ya.

    And given how so many of us are, indeed, afraid to love, where’s the validation in this except to prove that we’re really afraid of the one thing we say we so desperately need? We validate that love does in fact have limits, limits that have been put in place by our own fears and insecurities so that the pure love we crave becomes tainted and spoiled because, hah, love ain’t about validating one’s self – it’s about covering one’s ass because love does hurt… and instead of facing the pain, we shy away from it then try to redefine it so that we never have to face the slings and arrows of love.

    It’s how you stand up under this that defines you in love. You said that you should never try to change the person you’re in love with… but that’s exactly what we do, isn’t it? Because we want to be loved in a certain, specific way and we will “refuse” to love anyone who doesn’t love us the way we want to be loved, don’t we? Otherwise, why do we say or think, “If you love me, you’ll do (add something here)…” forcing that person to do something that doesn’t fit who they are, that shatters their self-validation and just flat out doesn’t make them feel all warm and fuzzy.

    There’s a reason why they say love is about sacrifice; it’s not the things you’d do for love – it’s the things you’re willing to give up to have love. Love, in and of itself, doesn’t require validation nor proof of concept – it is what it is. Add another person to the mix and, well, now it gets interesting and you will spend the rest of your life proving that you’re worthy of someone else’s love and, more often than not, you will fail.

    Yep – we all want to be loved but it starts with you and the self-validation of loving yourself first and foremost, to be aware of your ability and capacity to love, to know that in love, you’re really stepping into the jungle, into the lion’s den, into the teeth of the beast – it’s not the garden spot we want it to be all the time.

    Some of us require proof that we’re being loved, don’t we? Do you ever wonder why this is? It’s because we’re either so insanely arrogant that we believe that people have to love us unconditionally (while we put tons of conditions on them) because it’s our divine right or it’s because we lack the faith and surety in our ability to be loved – think about that one for a moment.

    We shoot ourselves in the head when we believe we need love to validate us as a person because with or without love, you still have to be whoever you are. We feel that without love, we are nothing and never will be anything… and that’s just fucking insane to think this way.

    • You’ve made some compelling arguments and I agree with a few. You’ve basically showed that many of us out there that are professing our undying love, really doesn’t know what love is all about.

      Some of your points really stood out like “we all want to be loved a certain way” and that love is about sacrifice. “it’s not the things you’d do for love – it’s the things you’re willing to give up to have love”.

      Deeps thoughts. Give me a moment while I mull them over.

  3. Do you think it is possible that a person who doesn;t hold themselves in the highest esteem actually can love someone else but the problem lies with accepting the love of that person back? If you don;t love yourself how can you believe that anyone else can love you? It has occured to me of late that maybe it can work that way…. I agree with the changes – it is most definitely the person who doesnlt understand them selves who finds faults in others. Ahhh but I have and such it is that I am alone – because he also refused to believe …no honestly he was too afraid to look in the mirror. I have spent the last year on an incredible journey of self discovery and just the other day in conversation – the same old crap and the same old finger pointing and for the first time – I said no I am sorry but that is not who I am and not how I act and I will not accept being treated like I am worthless because you see yourself as worthless…and I did not cry and wonder how can I fix this what is wrong with me…. I simply accept that love and accept him all that I do, he can not do the same for me right now or anymore – and it is his issues, not mine that are preventing that. It doesn;t make it hurt less or make the loneliness go away, but it doesn;t have me spiraling downward in self pity at my illness or my own (very few🙂 lol soorrrryy) failings. Accountablity – and like Linda said how you manage the good and bad – can change everything –
    I’ve missed you my friend – hope school is going well🙂

    • It is impossible to love someone without first loving yourself. When you don’t love yourself, you put up barriers and belittle yourself when someone is actually trying to be nice. You think they have an agenda. You begin to think you aren’t worthy of this thing they are offering you called love. As I said before, it starts with YOU.

      Do you remember when I commented on one of your posts saying something like “you teach people how to treat you”? Well my sista, you did just that when you told him NO! No more. No more blame game. No one will be attending the pity party today. By saying “no”, he now understands what you’re about. Where you stand. Of course it will hurt, but didn’t you feel damn good after?🙂

      School is going well. I have a plethora of blogs to catch up on, and you’re killing me. A post a day Lizzie. C’mon. You’re forcing me to read blogs at work now😦

      • OK – yes it felt really great! And sadness aside – I feel better,. Yes I remember you saying that and you are right I did huh? It wasn;t that easy as just saying it though – he tried every old trick – another time I won;t keep you🙂 and I can’t make you do anything – it starts with you🙂 lol… 🙂 Peace and get to work! :-/

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